Sunday, December 24, 2006
With everything that has happened this year while I was attempting to be good, I have decided that my resolution for the coming year is to
just give up and be naughty!
It sounds like a lot more fun anyway! :)
I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy and safe New Year!
You are Joshua Abraham Norton, first and only Emperor of the United States of America!
Born in England sometime in the second decade of the nineteenth century, you carved a notable business career, in South Africa and later San Francisco, until an entry into the rice market wiped out your fortune in 1854. After this, you became quite different. The first sign of this came on September 17, 1859, when you expressed your dissatisfaction with the political situation in America by declaring yourself Norton I, Emperor of the USA. You remained as such, unchallenged, for twenty-one years.
Within a month you had decreed the dissolution of Congress. When this was largely ignored, you summoned all interested parties to discuss the matter in a music hall, and then summoned the army to quell the rebellious leaders in Washington. This did not work. Magnanimously, you decreed (eventually) that Congress could remain for the time being. However, you disbanded both major political parties in 1869, as well as instituting a fine of $25 for using the abominable nickname "Frisco" for your home city.
Your days consisted of parading around your domain - the San Francisco streets - in a uniform of royal blue with gold epaulettes. This was set off by a beaver hat and umbrella. You dispensed philosophy and inspected the state of sidewalks and the police with equal aplomb. You were a great ally of the maligned Chinese of the city, and once dispersed a riot by standing between the Chinese and their would-be assailants and reciting the Lord's Prayer quietly, head bowed.
Once arrested, you were swiftly pardoned by the Police Chief with all apologies, after which all policemen were ordered to salute you on the street. Your renown grew. Proprietors of respectable establishments fixed brass plaques to their walls proclaiming your patronage; musical and theatrical performances invariably reserved seats for you and your two dogs. (As an aside, you were a good friend of Mark Twain, who wrote an epitaph for one of your faithful hounds, Bummer.) The Census of 1870 listed your occupation as "Emperor".
The Board of Supervisors of San Francisco, upon noticing the slightly delapidated state of your attire, replaced it at their own expense. You responded graciously by granting a patent of nobility to each member. Your death, collapsing on the street on January 8*, on your person, your possessions amounted to a single sovereign, a collection of walking sticks, an old sab1880, made front page news under the headline "Le Roi est Mort". Aside from what you had re, your correspondence with Queen Victoria and 1,098,235 shares of stock in a worthless gold mine. Your funeral cortege was of 30,000 people and over two miles long.
The burial was marked by a total eclipse of the sun.
* Ok... just as a freaky aside: My birthday is January 8th!
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
|Your Personality Is Like Acid|
A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict.
One moment you're in your own little happy universe...
And the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell!
|The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic|
Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few.
But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky.
Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski
|Your Theme Song is Beautiful Day by U2|
"Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away"
You see the beauty in life, especially in ordinary everyday moments.
And if you're feeling down, even that seems a little beautiful too.
|Your Power Color Is Blue|
Relationships and feelngs are the most important things to you.
You are empathetic and accepting - and good at avoiding conflict.
If someone close to you is in pain, it makes you hurt as well.
You try to heal the ones you love with your kind and open heart.
|You Are Psyche!|
Eternally in search of purpose and insight.
You're curious and creative with a total sense of wonder.
Totally empathetic, you pick up on other's moods easily.
Just be sure to pamper yourself as well!
Combining unsurpassed luxury with the technologically advanced materials that made Tempur-Pedic® world famous, “The GrandBed by Tempur-Pedic™” is designed to bring you a truly incomparable sleep experience. Quilted into the blended silk cover is a 1.2” layer of temperature and pressure sensitive Tempur-HD™, a reformulated, higher density version of the classic TEMPUR® material. Beneath this quilted layer and its beautiful satin siding is yet another 1.2” comfort layer of Tempur-HD™, followed by a 4” support layer of TEMPUR® material, and an 8” double base layer that includes the AirFlow System™ to dissipate body heat and circulate air. All together, this means 14” of a body-pampering sleep surface that eliminates physical stresses, absorbs motion, and never needs to be turned or rotated. To complete your set, the matching platform foundation is available in both low and high profiles.
The cost for a king size? $ 6,199.00 US Dollars
Where can you get one? (click on the link below)
OK... So I would be happy with the much less deluxe version of this bed, but while I'm listing things I would love to have if money grew on trees... why should I skimp? :)
Hello to all my blog buddies! I bet you all thought that I had fallen off the face of the planet again! Alas, my escape would never be that easy!
Life has been... INTERESTING... to say the least!
Lets start with an update on Samantha. We are going to see a new specialist who has discovered that Samantha has, in addition to Angelman Syndrome, West Syndrome, Cerebral Palsy, severe brain damage from the infantile spasms she had as a baby, and her cognitive ability is no where near as high as I had hoped for the past seven years. The biggest blow in all of this new information is that her life expectancy is now dramatically shorter than if she had just been diagnosed with Angelman Syndrome. The short version is this: We will be very fortunate if she lives past the age of 20. There is about a 61% chance that she will leave us before her 10th birthday. Basically... really sucky news.
Now lets add some STRESS to liven things up a bit...
On Monday we discovered (much to our astonishment and mild terror) that we are expecting baby number three. Because of this highly unexpected development, I have had to stop all of my medications very abruptly. Yes, that would be all of the medication that has kept me in a semi-functional state for the past several months. My body is very unhappy with me and not adjusting well. This is considered a very high risk pregnancy and I will be lucky if I can stay off of bed rest for even half of it!
This brings all kinds of new stress in the form of: "The What-If's"
How will we pay bills?
What happens when I can no longer work?
How will I take care of my family if my body refuses to function properly?
Do they make nice rubber rooms for pregnant chicks, because I think I'm going to need one soon?!
How is a person supposed to handle prearranging funeral details for one child (so she doesn't end up buried in a cardboard box)while planning a nursery for another?
How are we going to fit five people in this piece of crap tin can we live in?
How long can we keep this news from the mother in law from hell?
Would it be tasteless to wait until the new baby's college graduation to let her in on the news?
Will I be able to emotionally handle things if this baby is not born healthy?
So, to keep my mind off of things for a bit, my next few posts will be silly and frivolous and for lack of a better description... material in nature.
Stop by for my "Cool Stuff I Want" series!
Monday, December 04, 2006
I am very PROUD to be a citizen of The United States of America!
We are the melting pot of the world! That means we have a bit of every country here. That means you can not hate America without hating a little bit of yourself. My husband is living proof of the extent of our melting pot. He is half Filipino and the other half is an eccentric mix of First Nation (or American Indian), German, Irish, Scottish, Israeli, and God only knows what else!
I voted for Bush... TWICE!
I obviously did not vote for him because he is a great speaker (he is SO not). I did not vote for him because he is perfect (again...not). I did not vote for him because I agree with every single decision or belief he holds dear (I don't).
Thursday, November 23, 2006
You gotta love Robin Williams...... Even if he's nuts!
Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up And repeat this message.
Robin Williams' plan... (Hard to argue with this logic!)
"I see a lot of people yelling for peace But I have not heard of a plan for Peace. So, here's one plan."
1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, Past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, And the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, Regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort To become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while .
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we'll go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of us know that what we give them, is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.
11) The Language we speak is ENGLISH..learn it...or LEAVE... Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
The Statue of Liberty is no longer Saying
"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.
She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling,
'you want a piece of me?' "
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Saturday, November 18, 2006
I know that I blab on here from time to time about wanting to get my boobs chopped off, but I don’t think I have ever gone into details about why I want it done. So, to fill in those of you who do not know me personally… 34G.
For all you guys out there who have no real concept of what that particular number means… 34 inches is the measurement just under my bust around my ribcage… G is my cup size… again translation is needed… typical cup sizes run like this: the number of inches difference between your ribcage measurement and the measurement straight across the fullest portion of your bust will equal your cup size. (most cup sizes run: A; B; C; D; DD; DDD; E; F; G; H; HH; etc..) Different brands sometimes throw in changes like going straight from a DD cup to an E cup, but the above example is how they size the brands I like the most.
It isn’t just the total lack of snazzy lingerie that causes the intense urge to have the things chopped off… it’s the massive back spasms I deal with on a nightly basis and the pain that never seems to completely go away. (not to mention the balance issues that arise!)
I just spent a full week flat on my back unable to move because the spasms were so bad last Thursday that I could no longer tell if my back was the culprit of my pain or if it was my chest and stomach that were making breathing such a difficult and unpleasant task. I hurt so badly I was honestly afraid I was dying at home alone with my terrified son watching and sobbing right along with me.
I dialed 911 and was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room… where they promptly unloaded me from the ambulance into the WAITING ROOM of the ER. (Did I mention that health care here SUCKS?!)
Two emergency room visits, two chiropractor adjustments, one solid week of wanting someone to shoot me and put me out of my misery, and one only slightly uncomfortable work over by my WONDERFUL massage therapist friend later (You are the greatest EVER Heather!)… and I’m back up to no good!
Don’t get me wrong… Having a huge rack does have its up side too. If it didn’t hurt so badly, and I could actually find clothes that fit me properly, I wouldn’t mind keeping them. You don't understand the clothes thing?
OK… by my measurements I should wear a size 10 in my hips, a size 12 in my waist, and a size 20 across my bust. I am an upside-down pear!
I guess when it comes right down to it… that is the only thing that worries me about a breast reduction. I’m not afraid of the pain (with the kind of pain I deal with every day an operation will be cake! I will have good drugs for it!). I’m afraid that once my rack is no longer the most prominent feature on my body, that people will start to notice that I’m no longer cute and skinny underneath it. It isn’t that I don’t think fluffy people are beautiful (the most beautiful woman I have ever met was over 250 pounds for most of my life), it is how the general public looks at people who are overweight that pisses me off.
I would love to be one of those people who do not give a crap what everyone thinks of them, but I’m not.
I have always been very aware and fragile to what others think of me.
People attack my family or friends and I turn into their worst nightmare to defend those I love, but I do not have the ability or the self-esteem to defend myself.
What if they think I’m fat?
Will anyone still see me as beautiful?
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
People who have money to spare don't really think much about the fact that they CAN afford to buy things. Most of them are aware that money does NOT buy happiness, but very few of them realize how much stress they are not forced to deal with by living paycheck to paycheck. I am a happy person. No, I am a BLESSED person. I KNOW what a blessing it is to see my children wake up smiling at me and to fall asleep every night in the arms of my prince charming. Money would not make me any happier than I am now, but it would probably make me a much more pleasant person to be around. I worry about bills and my family's future all the time. Sometimes, just for fun, I close my eyes and think about how life might be if I didn't always have to scrape together loose change. So, for giggles I thought I would list a few of the things I would do if money grew on trees.
I would set up a special needs trust fund for Samantha.
I would hire a full staff of therapists and nurses to ensure that she had the BEST possible care.
I would buy a HUGE chunk of beautiful land and have a castle built for my family to live in.
The castle would have a chapel that could be rented out for weddings and other special events, and would also serve as a place of employment for the residents of the castle. (I want it to be a residential community for people with various abilities.)
I would buy a wheelchair accessible minivan (Entervan!) so I could take Samantha places without help.
I would fund Angelman Syndrome research.
I would have my own darkroom and photography studio.
I would buy a laptop computer.
I would fight for custody to adopt my nephews.
I would track down the best medical care available in the world for Angelman Syndrome and Fibromyalgia.
I would get a breast reduction and tummy tuck! (and have anything else that was sagging out of shape lifted and tucked!)
I would travel and see THE WORLD!!!!!
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
I overheard a conversation between two co-workers today that made my skin crumple up in a most unappealing way. I work in an office building that employs mostly women, so it is not at all unusual that the conversation should turn to something resembling a drunken slumber party truth or dare game. This one however was so much more than I EVER wanted to know... especially about the particular coworkers in question. It went something very similar to this:
Girl 1: So you think he is screwing around on you?
Girl 2: Maybe, not that I really care.
Girl 1: You wouldn't care if he had a girlfriend on the side?
Girl 2: No. I mean I like my husband, and I like him to hold me, but I'm not sure I ever really loved him and I really don't ever want sex.
Girl 1: You don't like sex? I don't either!
My inside voice: If you don't like sex, someone isn't doing it right!
Girl 2: No, I really don't care for it.
Girl 1: I know what you mean about liking your husband. That is the same way I feel about mine. I like him, but there has never been any real passion between us.
My inside voice: Why! Why! Why! Why!
Girl 2: Yeah, so I really don't care if he has a girlfriend. If he gets it someplace else maybe he won't bother me for it!
Girl 1: Yeah, I would rather sleep...
OK... granted both of these women were older than me. But I still can't help but wonder what exactly their husbands aren't doing right that they don't EVER want sex! I also have to wonder what was in their minds when they were getting married...
"Oh, well I like this guy. He isn't too bad to hang out with. Not exactly the prince charming I was hoping for, but I guess he will do."
Marriage is SO not a decision to take lightly, and most definitely not something where you settle for someone less than you deserve! And if you EVER think you would be perfectly OK with the idea of your spouse having an affair... GET HELP!!! That is NOT a healthy relationship!!!!!
Off my soap box now...
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
If you should disregard the above advise... DO NOT set up your sewing machine on a rickety folding TV tray table and expect positive results!
When you finally give up and just hope she slightly resembles a mermaid the next day at school... GO TO BED! Stop blogging about it stupid! You are tired!
On that note...
You know it is time to give up when you start not only talking to yourself...
But answering as well...
Monday, October 23, 2006
Sometimes that is a good thing. Sometimes its not such a good thing.
I have, on more than one occasion, been referred to as a "terminal optimist".
I am generally a pretty happy person. (At least in public.)
I have a history of being the last person to get irritated over crap at the office and I'm (generally speaking) the first one to make a genuine attempt to diffuse tension.
Most of the time I randomly burst into song throughout my day for no apparent reason.
You could say that I am a card carrying member on the happy wagon.
But when things go downhill?...
Well, let me put it this way. Suddenly all four wheels fall of the wagon and the horse pulling it breaks three legs... Oh, did I forget to mention the two broken axles?
Unfortunately for me, these "breakdown" moments in life are not usually brought on by any big traumatic event. No, that would make them slightly predictable.
Mine are brought on by reality crashing through my carefully constructed and interior designed dreams for my daughter.
The reality of the situation is that I have a disabling condition that will make it physically impossible for me to provide the level of care she will require for the rest of her life.
I had hoped that she would reach a developmental milestone as simple as being able to bathe herself or microwave her own meal.
The reality is that her seizures get so bad every summer (because of the heat we think) that she looses 8/10 of the progress that she made during the previous nine months.
For the most part I can convince myself to ignore the reality of the situation. Mainly because I think it would very likely kill me to have to put my daughter in a care facility and we do not have the resources available in this state to give us other options for her care.
Back into my own little world...
The one with the purple sky and teal blue waters...
The one where my body doesn't thwart my attempts to be "Super Mom"...
The one where I will be able to protect my children from the harsh realities of the real world for as long as possible.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
On a very basic level, it is my personal belief that the only way into Heaven is through the GRACE of God. I do not think it is possible to work your way past the pearly gates. I laugh at anyone who thinks blowing themselves up, and taking out a group of people who believe differently than they do, will get them past Heaven’s gates and into the arms of a group of horny virgins. I mean REALLY! Where do they come up with this stuff?!
I think one of the biggest sins (if any sin is really bigger than another) that anyone can commit is to feel all high and mighty and act like they have the God given right to judge someone else’s life. It irritates the crap out of me when I hear someone say that *insert name of person you dislike* is going to Hell because they *insert action you disagree with*! I believe that the only One who has the RIGHT to judge a person for their beliefs and decisions is God.
I believe that when I die the conversation will go something like this:
Me: Wow! The view from this cloud is AMAZING! You have to come check this out!
God: I know what it looks like. I made it… remember.
Me: Oh, well that’s true. So, I remember reading something about mansions. Are you going to show me which one is mine?
God: Patience my child. First you and I have some things we need to talk about.
Me: Oh crap. Do we have too? Can’t I just say I’m sorry so we can move on to the hugging and welcoming part?
God: That’s not how this works.
Me: (hanging head) I was afraid of that.
(A drive in movie size screen suddenly develops out of the clouds)
Me: Oh, no! Not the BIG screen Lord! Everybody can see it!
God: Uh-huh. That’s kind of the point Kid. Now sit down and get comfortable. I have a lot to show you, and I expect answers to my questions.
Me: (mumbling under my breath) And I thought death was the hard part!
(God chuckles. Moments from my life start flashing across the screen.)
God: Do I need to turn up the volume? I’m not sure I heard what you called me in that last scene.
Me: I was very upset that day Lord. You know I didn’t really mean it.
God: And here? Where you turned away from me like a spoiled two year old because you didn’t get YOUR way, in YOUR time?
Me: I know, Lord. That was childish of me. I’m sorry.
(This goes on for quite a while and then the mood slowly starts to change. New images start to flash across the screen one by one.)
God: Do you remember this day?
Me: Well, it looks kind of familiar, but I can’t seem to place it.
God: You stopped to help a stranger pick up the mail she had dropped. You shared a few kind words with a woman you had never met.
Me: OK. So what makes that so special?
God: You planted a seed of hope in a lonely heart that day. Well done.
Me: But, I don’t understand Lord. It was just a few minuets that I hardly remember. Why are you showing me something so small? Are there no big good things I did in my life?
God: You know about those already. Besides, all of the small moments in life add up to so much more than you can imagine. A kind word to a stranger, a phone call to check on a friend, a prayer you said for someone you didn’t even like. All of the small things that came from your heart, and the compassion you had for those around you that other people pushed away, gave a better view of MY love for them than any single “big” thing you could have done.
Me: So, your saying I didn’t screw things up as bad as I thought?
God: Well, maybe not quite as bad as you thought. But do you have any idea how many times I had to kick you in the behind to get you back on the path you needed to be on?!
Me: Hhhhmmmmm. Well, I guess that gives me the real cause of those massive hemorrhoids I could never seem to get rid of. (giggle)
God: (smiles and shakes head) I’m glad I gave you that sense of humor. You use it quite well. Welcome home Brat.
Me: Thanks Lord, and by the way, sorry for all those “band camp” moments in my life.
I try to live my life so that the good things make a bigger pile than the bad ones. I know that I am SO FAR from perfect that I would be out of luck if I had to work my way into Heaven. But thats whats so great about my God. He made me this way and loves me in spite of myself! That's right. God accepts me for who I am... not just who he wants me to become. Talk about your happy thoughts!
Sunday, October 15, 2006
It's not just the blonds gentlemen!
We all have our idiot moments... or days...
I can say this because... Well... I have ovaries.
Most of the time my stupidity is brought on by emotional turmoil.
Today for example...
Why is it that every time I start feeling crappy about my body I have the uncontrollable urge to eat EVERYTHING I can get my hands on? Most often, sweets.
That's going to help my figure...
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Not that I own one...
Not that I want to own one...
It is just nice to know after years of receiving funny looks from people...
That I can finally talk to myself in public places...
And I know there is at least one other person walking around looking like a complete lunatic with me! (True that they are probably talking to someone else, but the way I see it... a voice in your head is a voice in your head regardless!)