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Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Fourteen...

* UPDATE *
Samantha's operation went well. She is now back home and back to giving her little brother a hard time... Just where a big sister needs to be!!!
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers!


I should be sleeping.



Tomorrow is going to be a very long day.



Tomorrow will mark our fourteenth very long day in the past



6 years, 11 months and 8 days.



That is how old my beautiful little girl is and as of tomorrow how many operations she has had to endure in her life thus far.



You would think it would be easy by now.



You would think I would be able to sleep soundly the night before an operation, if for no other reason than I know for a fact how exhausting tomorrow will be.



A mother's heart defies logic.



Maybe I'm a bit more tense about this operation than I should be.



It is a relatively minor procedure (comparatively speaking).



She needs tubes in her ears again. This will be set number four.



This will also be the first operation she will go through with a DNR in place.



It would devastate me to loose her.



She is such a bright light in my life and I'm not sure I could hold myself together if the worst case scenario played out.



Most parents never have to deal with the idea of letting their child go that way.



Most parents worry about letting their child go away to college or to start a family of their own.



I have had to struggle and slowly accept the fact that putting her on life support or resuscitating her (again) is not in her best interest.



I want to be selfish and keep her with me forever, but if it is her time to go...



I know she will be waiting for me in Heaven when I get there...



And she will walk...



And she will run...



And she will laugh and play and sing...



I love her so much that I am willing to let her go when she is ready.



I will treasure every day I have with her until that time comes and I pray that I have many more years with her before we have to face that temporary separation known as death.



I'm sure she will come through this operation just fine, but what about the next one? Or the one after that?



She has been through so much in such a short time.



I wonder if she knows what an amazing inspiration she is to me.



I wonder if she realizes how many lives she has touched through her struggles.



Please pray for my beautiful girl.



If you don't pray than please send good thoughts our way.



Its just one more number...



Fourteen.

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4 comments:

EZ said...

I will hold you both in my thoughts and prayers.
Hang in there-(hug)
My son had 2 sets of tubes, still has one in place. Only one major surgery-and the DNR-a very emotional thing to do-we have one for him, and are his legal guardians. Don't doubt your decisions, you love her and are thinking of her. It is a roller coaster- I do understand-
Sam is a beautiful child,-.
Keep the faith

I messed my blog up trying to switch to beta-I just started over-hopefully this will be the last time.
OFW

Solbearer said...

she has bright eyez, ur little girl :soft smile:

in my..culture, or should i say my ancestors, believed in fighting to bitter end. u know, not till the fat lady sings

..much more difficult said than done. i should know. i often fall short.

there r people in my life who if anything happened to them, i dont think i could go on like usual

...dont think i could avoid another psychological breakdown :sigh:

at least with her, theres no issue of getting ur affection rejected; she loves u with her whole heart, unknowing of hatred and the harshness of futility

..i dont think i could let it go, if i were u :swallows slightly:

Melissa said...

ez - I was worried about you when your blog disappeared! I'm glad to know you are still around... You are one of the few who read my blog that REALLY GET it! It is good to have someone who has been there, done that. Its funny that I struggled and cried for months while I was making the decision to get a DNR for her, but now... Well, I just sort of have a "peace" about it... Does that make any sense? If any one will understand I know you will... Thanks! :)

solbearer - I plan to enjoy my beautiful and yes, very loving daughter for as long as I have her. Fighting through life's struggles is one thing I think everyone needs to do, but as medical science advances more every day, it becomes possible to survive things that proved fatal for thousands of years. Survival does not equal life. I have learned from experience that quality of life is a much more important issue than quantity of life. As the saying goes: "Life should not be measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away!"

guttergirl said...

I just found your blog. What a touching post. I am sending you both my prayers and my good thoughts. Best of luck.