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Friday, January 20, 2006

I hate mirrors...

I hate mirrors, and avoid them when at all possible. I didn't always...
From the time I was about 13 until I was 18 I was knock dead gorgeous. I'm not just being vain either. I was a true hottie. I was an actress and model. I was very popular, and even though I pretended at the time that I didn't know how attractive I was, I knew. I spent hours in front of a mirror every day figuring out how to sit, or smile, or bat my eyes in just the perfect manner to maximize the aura of beauty. My makeup was well thought out to make my eyes seem bigger and more stunningly blue, and my lips more full and pouty. My clothing was carefully selected to make my legs seem longer, my waist even tinier, and the entire outfit was to be just unusual enough to draw attention, with out looking like I tried too hard. I was beautiful and I knew it. I LOVED all the attention that I got. I think that is the problem. I remember what it was to be extremely attractive, and I know the reality is...
I'm not anymore.
Don't get me wrong... I don't think I'm necessarily ugly. In fact, if you disregard the pubescent skin issues I seem to be having, I might consider myself vaguely pretty from the neck up. I have pretty eyes, and nice hair, and my smile isn't too bad. From the neck down... Well, that's another story entirely. I am not shaped right. I remember reading at one point that the perfect measurements for a woman were 36-26-36. A perfect hourglass figure. I had that once. Now its more along the lines of... 46-37-46. I'm a chubby hourglass, which wouldn't be so bad in itself, except I now have these rolls and flaps and folds where there should not be rolls and flaps and folds. Curvy is one thing, lumpy is completely different.
I feel like a play dough sculpture gone horribly wrong, or one if those little budda looking fertility goddesses with the huge boobs. And forget about finding a dress that fits me right. For a shirt I need a size 18 or 20, for pants I need a size 14, and if a shirt fits across my bust then it is way baggy around my waist.
I change in the dark when at all possible. I keep my back turned to the mirrors until I am completely dressed, and even when I turn around, I look any where but at myself. I stack things on the bathroom counter so there isn't so much mirror staring back at me, and I can't remember the last time I tried to clean them.
I hate mirrors.


Sol said...

hi, wandered in from Splintered Mind!!

i have undiagnosed ADD. ;)

also, posted something bout mirrors @ my place, check it out if ya like..

Boux said...

If you think guys only love their women thin like actresses, you're deeply lost in the void to nowhere. Find a mirror and next time don't think "oh GAWSH i'm so fat, like, uh, compared to these actresses n stuff.." think "IN YOUR FACE [name people who are uglier than you here]". Then again, you say that you're chubby then you compare yourself to buddha, that makes me think of... well it makes me think of a big fat lady on a giant ice cream cone... how should i know why i don't control my imagination.

anyways just saying i'm using your blog as a post in a forum cuz some dood told me no one hates mirrors. DAHA!