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Monday, February 19, 2007

What is OK?

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"Are you OK?"
Hmmmmm... Well, that depends.
If you are asking if I am still breathing, then yes, I'm OK. If you are asking if things could get worse, yes they could (at the rate things are going around here, call me in a week and they will be).
If you are asking to simply be socially polite than I will be as socially polite in return as I can manage right now. I will pile more plaster across my quickly disintegrating facade and give you my best movie star smile and deliver my best "since I know you don't really care" line:
"I have a roof over my head and food to fill my children's tummies. Everything happens for a reason (insert fake smile here) and I just know that things will be alright in the end."
But... If you are asking on the off chance that you actually give a crap...
This is what I would say if the mask fell off and you could see me falling apart behind it:
No. I'm not OK. What does OK mean anyway?! I am beyond worried that the baby I am carrying will be born with serious birth defects because of the medications I was on when we quite unexpectedly conceived. I know that giving birth to another child that is something other than perfectly healthy would very likely send me over the edge. (and that's not just figuratively speaking) I could see myself in a fit of postpartum depression flinging myself from the top level of the parking structure as a way to punish my body for being inadequate to produce healthy babies. No, I am not suicidal. I am simply stating what could put me over the edge of reason.
No. I'm not OK. My Grandmother's heart rate keeps dropping to near nonexistent for no apparent reason and no one has the slightest idea what to do about it. My Grandfather is an emotional wreck trying to take care of her and I honestly do not think he would survive loosing her. My Grandmother is upset that she is not healthy enough to be there as a support for my parents and I while we are going through our own trials and she is devastated that most of the family that lives out of town either doesn't get how bad off she is or they don't want to acknowledge it. (almost as if pretending its not real will make it go away)
No. I'm not OK. I am not ready to deal with the idea that I might loose my Daddy. I am not OK with the thought that he might not see his grandson graduate high school. I do not know how my Mom would function both emotionally and financially if she lost the person who has been her partner and best friend for over thirty years. I am angry that just when we thought the hard part was behind us, the doctors add one more thing to the list of reasons my perfectly healthy Dad is now fighting for his life.
No. I'm not OK.
I'm angry and terrified and overwhelmed.
and I don't know what else to tell you...
So once again I will fake it.
and smile
and tell you
"sure, I'm OK."



God's Warrior Bride said...


I am sorry things are so tough for you right now and I am sorry that you have to deal with what looks like an impossible situation at this moment. But . . .

You need to know God created your baby's inmost being, He knit your baby in your womb. You need to praise that your baby is fearfully and wonderfully made and that His works are wonderful and you need to know that full well.

You need to know that God is your Dad's healer and you need to stand in agreement with all of the prayer warriors that are claiming your Dad's healing.

You need to know that by the words of you mouth you speak into existence what is and isn't going to happen in your life. You need to know that Satan does not know you thoughts and cannot act on your thoughts, but once you verbally express you fears Satan can and will take a hold of them and use them against you. You need to know that only you can take your thought captive and you can speak everything good and positive over you and your family.

You need to know that your body is the temple of God and that He only puts Godly things in you temple as should you. Your precious baby is a gift and we are claiming that he will be perfect as should you.

You need to know that even though we are out of town, we are totally aware how bad our Mother is and you need to know how much we care about our Mother's every breath, beat of her heart and her every thought. You need to know that even though we can't be with her every minutes of the day, she is in our thoughts every minute.

You need to know that even though we are not there with you, we have put in days and days of prayers, fasting, meditation, praising and worshipping and standing in the gap for you, your family and your precious unborn baby, your finances and wellbeing, your Dad, your Mother, their finances and wellbeing, our Mother, our Father and their finances and wellbeing.

You need to know that I understand you are scared and I know how you are feeling, but you also need to know that you are not alone and the situation is not impossible.

You also need to know that just as God created me to be a warrior, you were created that way as well. It is time to let the warrior in you come out for you are fearfully and wonderfully made! Come forth Warrior Bride and claim back that which the enemy is trying to steal from you. You already know you have the Power!!!!

Melissa said...

gwb - Thank you for your prayers.

KittyKakes said...

Are you serious? You said, "You need to know that by the words of you mouth you speak into existence what is and isn't going to happen in your life." Can I be a millionaire just by saying it? Can I become president just by confessing that's what I want? That old -=Name it - Claim it=- game never works.
God has a plan. My words may affect life to some degree. But there is no way on earth that my words will supercede the Word or intent of Almighty God. We are not soveriegn. We cannot make things happen just by speaking a word. In fact, I can't even change the color of my hair just by giving it thought. It takes a chemical to do that. It takes an agent.
If your prayers are answered it is due to the fact that God is your agent. If they are not answered in the way you expect, it is probably due to the fact that you expected something which was not in God's will or in His plan.
Sometimes, people die. Sometimes people are sick unto death. And sometimes God heals a person in a miraculous way.
Melissa, what you really need to know is this is not a judgment of God.
There was a time when Jesus healed a blind man. Those who saw it asked Him why was the man born blind? They assumed there must have been sin in his parent's lives. Jesus replied, "Suppose ye that all these (people who had recently died in a mudslide near that town) were also in sin? But I tell you no. For such is common among man."
In 1996, my husband was burned 70%. I was told he would die within hours. In fact, the house supervisor had told me he would die before I could arrive in Lubbock to be with him. There is no way I could explain how I felt. Words do not carry the weight of that pain. Within a few hours, I was at the hospital looking at my husband through a door in the ER. I saw his pink feet and knew he would survive. I told people from that moment he would walk out of there. Forty-three days later he did walk out of the hospital.
One coworker was burned more deeply and over more of his body. We were told he should not have survived the trip to the hospital. But he did. He was even awake at the time he was admitted to the ICU. The charge nurse spoke with him several times. She tried to give him morphene. But he said he was not in pain and refused it. He was trying to wait for his wife to arrive. Almost four hours after the burn, the nurse insisted on giving him morphene while he still had liver function. He said, "Tell my wife I love her, tell her I'll be with my mom and I'll see Jesus, and tell her to keep the faith."
Whose story is more compelleing? The fact that my husband survived a 70% burn is awesome. The fact that he walked out of the hospital on the 43rd day is amazing! But the fact that our friend faced death with such faith is a strong witness. Which one of them was living in sin? Neither. That fire happened because of physics. It was an industrial accident. The burns happened because people burn. To say it must be a sign of sin is refutable. What would Jesus say? He would say, "No, for such is common among man."

Melissa said...

kittykakes - Thank you. It is nice to have other people fend off attacks when I do not have the energy or ambition to do it for myself. Thank you.

God's Warrior Bride said...

Kittykakes -

You, like Melissa need to know this isn't an attack on her or her beliefs. As for your husband and the other man - God did work in each of their lives. I do not believe in Name it Claim it - I believe that God wants us to speak positive, not negative, I believe that when petitioned God can and will do as we ask - example - the King that asked for more years to live - He petitioned God and God granted his petition.

Like I said I am not attacking Melissa - but just once it would be nice to read that she isn't a victim but an overcomer - not a complainer but a praiser.

Even though I am part of her out of town family that feels we have been unfairly attacked in both our actions and faith - I still love Melissa and know that she has more moxie than she is showing. As my Dad puts it he and my mom raised a couple of tough old broads and our children were raised the same way.

Once again please know that this wasn't an attack on Melissa - but a call to get tough.

KittyKakes said...

I am not trying to attack you. Please forgive the forwardness and harshness in my message. Very often, God uses me as a plow. I break up fallow ground. I am so sorry to think I may have broken your heart. That is not my job or my intention.
God loves you. There is no doubt that God honors a positive mind. I am sure God revels in the thoughts of those who are positive. I know this because God is a positive. God is love. That is always positive, isn't it? God inhabits the praises of His people. It is far better to praise God than to reject Him. But it is no sin to say things are tough. David said, "Though He slay me, yet will I praise Him!" David is a man who knew a great deal about trials and tribulations. He knew about a mean father-in-law. He knew about having an unrighteous leader. He knew about being chased almost to death. But David was a man after God's own heart. David lamented. David praised and David sinned. God still loves him. God was still able to use David and bring good from his life.
I've never known the trials of David or Job. I've never been inside a fire. I've never sat inside a whale as Jonah did. And I have never danced as David danced. Still, I hope God will see my life as a testimony to His love. I hope when He looks at me, He sees the face of someone who praises Him.
I wish I were the person God wants me to be. Then I would not have to apologize for words spoken too harshly.
I know God would rather see your family joined in love. I believe God can heal. Let Him start with the hearts of your family. I will pray for revival in your family as I pray for it in mine. Sickness and death cause more families to break apart than anything I know. I haven't seen so many loose faith in eachother over drugs, infidelity or even money matters. Please, don't allow this to happen to your family. Embrace your differences. Love you members even in strife or discontent. Praise God in the valleys. God is able.
At my darkest times, I would go into the little chapel in the hospital and pray for my husband to be healed. I would cry out to God to heal my own broken heart. I would praise Himfor His faithfulness and love. I knew God is in control. My prayers matter to Him. And my praise matters to Him. But He is soveriegn. And for that I also praise Him.