Monday, February 19, 2007
What is OK?
"Are you OK?"
Hmmmmm... Well, that depends.
If you are asking if I am still breathing, then yes, I'm OK. If you are asking if things could get worse, yes they could (at the rate things are going around here, call me in a week and they will be).
If you are asking to simply be socially polite than I will be as socially polite in return as I can manage right now. I will pile more plaster across my quickly disintegrating facade and give you my best movie star smile and deliver my best "since I know you don't really care" line:
"I have a roof over my head and food to fill my children's tummies. Everything happens for a reason (insert fake smile here) and I just know that things will be alright in the end."
But... If you are asking on the off chance that you actually give a crap...
This is what I would say if the mask fell off and you could see me falling apart behind it:
No. I'm not OK. What does OK mean anyway?! I am beyond worried that the baby I am carrying will be born with serious birth defects because of the medications I was on when we quite unexpectedly conceived. I know that giving birth to another child that is something other than perfectly healthy would very likely send me over the edge. (and that's not just figuratively speaking) I could see myself in a fit of postpartum depression flinging myself from the top level of the parking structure as a way to punish my body for being inadequate to produce healthy babies. No, I am not suicidal. I am simply stating what could put me over the edge of reason.
No. I'm not OK. My Grandmother's heart rate keeps dropping to near nonexistent for no apparent reason and no one has the slightest idea what to do about it. My Grandfather is an emotional wreck trying to take care of her and I honestly do not think he would survive loosing her. My Grandmother is upset that she is not healthy enough to be there as a support for my parents and I while we are going through our own trials and she is devastated that most of the family that lives out of town either doesn't get how bad off she is or they don't want to acknowledge it. (almost as if pretending its not real will make it go away)
No. I'm not OK. I am not ready to deal with the idea that I might loose my Daddy. I am not OK with the thought that he might not see his grandson graduate high school. I do not know how my Mom would function both emotionally and financially if she lost the person who has been her partner and best friend for over thirty years. I am angry that just when we thought the hard part was behind us, the doctors add one more thing to the list of reasons my perfectly healthy Dad is now fighting for his life.
No. I'm not OK.
I'm angry and terrified and overwhelmed.
and I don't know what else to tell you...
So once again I will fake it.
and tell you
"sure, I'm OK."