Thursday, January 08, 2009
The Good, The Bad & The Future...
So, today is my birthday and in two days I fly back to North Carolina. I am both happy and sad. I am looking forward to being in my own space again (and WAY happy that I will have my good bed back soon). Darrell gets 18 days of R&R shortly after the boys and I get back home and I am ecstatic about being in my husband's arms again! I'm looking forward to restoring the routine that helps the boys behavior so much, but has been impossible to keep during our visit to Texas.
I am NOT looking forward to leaving my daughter behind again. I know that being here with my Mom & Dad is truly in her best interest right now. I know that the same routine the boys thrive under in North Carolina would not work as well for Samantha. I know that my parents do a brilliant job of caring for her and creating an environment where she has grown and flourished. I know that she has reached SO MANY developmental milestones since she moved in with them, and I am certain she would not have reached them as quickly as she has, had it not been for the encouragement, love and support that she receives here. (Not just from my parents and grandparents, but from our entire church family and close friends.)
Even knowing that I am doing the best thing I can for her right now, it breaks my heart for her to be away from us. Her brothers love her and enjoy playing with her more than I could have ever dreamed they would, and they miss her almost as much as I do when she isn't with us. I think that it wouldn't hurt so much to leave her here if I thought I could meet her needs as well or better than they do here... But that is the kicker. KNOWING that I am not able to meet my beautiful girl's needs (and that someone else can) kills me inside. And I am so afraid of the day when she will get too big for any of us to properly meet her needs... at least right now she is with people who love her and will protect her from the bad and ugly things in this world. I pray that God takes us all home long before I have to put my daughter's care into the hands of strangers.