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Friday, March 23, 2007

Want in one hand...

According to Babycenter.com, the bun in my ever expanding oven is now about the size of a sweet potato. I can feel the baby move from time to time and I know I should be happy or even excited about the tiny new life there.
Baby's are a blessing whether or not they are planned or expected.
I KNOW that.
I have a friend who has been trying to get pregnant and can't. She and her husband would be phenomenal parents.
I get mad at myself when I see people I know who deserve children and can't have them and here I sit feeling all ungrateful and overwhelmed about this pregnancy.
I WANT to be excited.
I have always wanted a big family and we are going to have one. I KNOW that I have been very blessed in my life.
But for some reason I just feel overwhelmed and angry.
I do not want to have another baby in this town. I do not want to watch the neglectful attitude of the medical community in this area effect yet ANOTHER person I love. I do not want to live in this tin can for the rest of my life. I do not want my children to have to be in this school district. I do not enjoy the 20 hour round trip to get my daughter to decent medical care. I do not want to live in a neighborhood surrounded by drug addicts and child molesters for any longer than I already have. (I want to feel safe letting my kids play outside.) I want doctors who will listen to me. I want a house that doesn't have holes in the floor and a heater that catches on fire at least once a year. I want to be able to pay our bills AND still afford to buy groceries.
We are supposed to find out on April 3rd if the new baby is a boy or girl.
I hope I can be excited once I know what we are having.
I WANT to be happy.

But...

Like my Dad has always said:

"Want in one hand, sh*t in the other. See which one fills up first."

Here I sit with two handfuls... You can guess what they are full of...

3 comments:

guttergirl said...

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so overwhelmed right now. I wish I could wave my magic wand and make it all better. Since I can't, I will just keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
However, I am counting the days until I find out if you are having a boy or a girl. Let us know.
Take care and stay strong my friend

Melissa said...

guttergirl - Thank you! thoughts and prayer are always needed around here! And let me know if you ever run across that magic wand! :)

La Pura Vida said...

Are you pregnant again? I had no idea. You deffinitely have a FULL life! Email me when you get the time so we can chat back an forth besides on the blogsites. Congradulations by the way!!!

frodis_4@hotmail.com

Love,
Cousin Rachael