An update...

This is the first chance in the past several weeks that I have had time to sit in one place for long enough to think straight. I know I need to update everyone, but I have no idea where to start. I will just list things off as they come to mind. This list is not necessarily in the order that the events occurred but by brain is too fuzzy to give you any more than the basics.

My grandfather had been having pain in his arm, back and shoulder for a bit over a month. When he finally decided to go to the doctor's office to have it checked out we had several very tense days because the doctor thought there was a possibility of a "malignancy in the bone". The test results are all back now and I am happy to announce that he does not have any form of cancer. They have come to the conclusion that he has a fractured disc that is pinching a nerve.

I had an air conditioner tech come to look at our air conditioner and give it a thorough cleaning. He informed me that I needed to shoot the AC and put it out of its misery. Samantha has a severe heat intolerance and has massive seizures when she gets too hot. There is only one company in our town that works on this particular type of air conditioner. When I called them I was informed that I needed to replace both the AC AND the furnace at the same time. Why? Well it seems the brand of furnace that is installed directly between my kids bedrooms has this nasty tendency to suddenly burst into flames! So, I ask the guy how much it would cost us to replace the entire unit...

$4,300.00 US Dollars

We can not afford a loan payment even IF the bank decided to give us one. We have nothing in savings. We bought a window unit for the living room in an attempt to keep Samantha out of the hospital. It is still getting too hot for her in the house during the day. Samantha had to have her emergency medication last night because she was having such bad cluster seizures I was afraid I would end up calling an ambulance.

My fave cousin has been having massive "female issues" lately. I wouldn't be quite so worried about her if she hadn't already had cancer of the female persuasion once. She is going to have several different procedures in the coming weeks and I am so worried about her. Everything that her doctor is talking about doing seems relatively minor, but I wish I could be there to support her through it.

My Mom has been having issues with the pain from her knee replacement operation. She is frustrated with herself for not being more mobile and farther along in her recovery than she is. The doctor thinks that she is doing phenomenal. I understand a little better now where I get my tendency to be 100 times harder on myself than I am on anyone else. It seems to be a family trait.

As if that was not enough... I am worried about my wonderful husband. He got some bad news about his brother's health today. I don't really feel like I can give any details out because it isn't my story to tell, but I am worried about how Darrell is going to handle this in the long run. No matter how many times they have fought, he still loves his little brother with all his heart. I hope that everything works out for the best but right now I don't even know what that would be...

I am so stressed out about everything that it is aggravating my various medical issues...

On the up side... Darrell got a better job that he starts at the beginning of July and I am up for a raise at work. I'm not sure how much it will be, but at this point ANYTHING will help.

I guess that's all for now... See you next post!

Things to ponder...

I simply do not have the time or energy to fill everyone in on the events of the last several weeks. So I am going to take the lazy way out and post some bumper stickers that have caught my eye lately. Some make me laugh, some make me wonder, and some make me think that the evil little smurfs are reading my mind again... ::giggle hysterically:: So sit back and enjoy!

And... Last but not least... My favorite question this week...

The happy couple! This picture was taken at my wedding almost two years ago. Cutest couple over 65 (notice I am being very vague about their ages so my grandmother doesn't get upset?) on the entire planet!!!

55 years...

My grandparents will be celebrating their 55th wedding anniversary this Friday. They have always been such an inspiration to me. Even when they "fight" you can tell how much in love they still are so many years later. They are such a perfect match for each other. My grandfather can be a royal pain in the behind from time to time because he is one of the most hard headed, stubborn men on the planet. My grandmother has an almost super human ability to politely nag anyone into submission. (Although it was probably developed by all the years of dealing with such a hard headed husband.) They can be your worst enemy and your best friend. (Sometimes both at once.) I have watched and looked up to them my entire life. I know what a lasting relationship is supposed to look like because they have shown me by example.

It (for them) has been a huge mixture of: starched underwear; bleached ceilings; a psychotic poodle; two daughters; two grand-daughters; two grand-sons; two step grand-sons; eight great grand-daughters; two great grand-sons; one mountain house; countless camping trips; hundreds of friends; unending tennis games, band rehearsals, doctors appointments and hospital stays; street football; family gatherings; church; and thousands of hours of prayer; all wrapped up in a thick cocoon of love. Love and respect for each other.

If I have learned nothing else from my grandparents, they have taught me to roll with life's punches, be strong when the world is falling apart around you, give twice as much love as you get, and have faith that God is holding you when you fall.

Chill pills (the LONG version)...

I have recently come to accept the fact that I do not function properly without medication. My acceptance of that fact is a huge deal. For those of you who have not been around for the last 13 years of my life, I will explain why this road has been so hard to travel.

When I was 13 years old I started loosing chunks of time. My Mom took me to see a neurologist who promptly diagnosed me with seizure activity, ADD, bi-polar disorder and manic depression. I suddenly went from being a perfectly “normal” teenage girl to having a whole list of problems that required medication.

I felt so defective.

Prior to starting all the medications I had been depressed from time to time, but never to the point of wanting to harm myself. Once I started the medications that changed. I stopped feeling happy. I felt numb or sad all the time, but never happy. I was an actress though, and I didn’t want my Mom to worry about me, so I pretended that everything was fine.

When I was 15 years old I had a couple of traumatic experiences that sent me into an even more desperate state of mind. I acted like I was happier than I had ever been for two weeks. Then one night before bed I kissed my Mom and Dad goodnight, told them I loved them, closed myself in my bedroom, took three handfuls of medication and went to sleep. By the time my parents found me the next morning it was too late to pump my stomach. I slept for a long time… and then I woke up. The hospital sent social workers and psychologists in to evaluate me. I had them eating out of the palm of my hand. I’m not sure if it says something about what a good actress I am, or if it speaks more for the stupidity of the doctors in this area, but by the time they left the room I had them convinced that the overdose had been an accident and that I was perfectly stable.

Not long after that, with my Mom’s loving support, I weaned myself off of the medications. I hated how it made me feel to take them. Because of that experience I have been highly against the idea of medicating myself. I was terrified that I would have another bad reaction and loose my daughter to the state because of it.

Everyone has a breaking point. Mine came after years of chronic pain and a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. The stress and worry brought about by being physically unable to care for my children because of pain, and the support of my wonderful husband and Mom, lead me to my doctor’s office recently to try again. First I was started on a regular regimen of pain medication to help me physically function. Next came the “chill pill” to help me stop hating myself and stop beating myself up for every minor mistake I made. After that came the medication to help me focus and remember all the massive amounts of information that I need to keep track of for my family. Last came the mild muscle relaxer to help my body relax enough to repair itself a bit while I sleep.

I am now functioning better on all levels than I have in years. I only have mild pain, I am focused at work and home and emotionally I have leveled out enough not to stress over EVERYTHING that goes wrong. I am still not crazy about the fact that I DO require medication to function, but I have come to the gradual acceptance of the fact that I am a better person when I am pharmaceutically enhanced.

I like myself more. I enjoy my children more. I get more done.
So maybe medication is not as bad as I once thought…

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