Want in one hand...

According to Babycenter.com, the bun in my ever expanding oven is now about the size of a sweet potato. I can feel the baby move from time to time and I know I should be happy or even excited about the tiny new life there.

Baby's are a blessing whether or not they are planned or expected.

I KNOW that.

I have a friend who has been trying to get pregnant and can't. She and her husband would be phenomenal parents.

I get mad at myself when I see people I know who deserve children and can't have them and here I sit feeling all ungrateful and overwhelmed about this pregnancy.

I WANT to be excited.

I have always wanted a big family and we are going to have one. I KNOW that I have been very blessed in my life.

But for some reason I just feel overwhelmed and angry.

I do not want to have another baby in this town. I do not want to watch the neglectful attitude of the medical community in this area effect yet ANOTHER person I love. I do not want to live in this tin can for the rest of my life. I do not want my children to have to be in this school district. I do not enjoy the 20 hour round trip to get my daughter to decent medical care. I do not want to live in a neighborhood surrounded by drug addicts and child molesters for any longer than I already have. (I want to feel safe letting my kids play outside.) I want doctors who will listen to me. I want a house that doesn't have holes in the floor and a heater that catches on fire at least once a year. I want to be able to pay our bills AND still afford to buy groceries.

We are supposed to find out on April 3rd if the new baby is a boy or girl.

I hope I can be excited once I know what we are having.

I WANT to be happy.

But...

Like my Dad has always said:

"Want in one hand, sh*t in the other. See which one fills up first."

Here I sit with two handfuls... You can guess what they are full of...