Feed The Fish Please...

Merry Christmas! (insert big fake smile here) Unsta-pona time... I used to love Christmas. In fact every Christmas until this year made me feel renewed and hopeful. Until this year, no matter how much was going wrong at the time, I always had faith that things would get better. I have run on nothing but faith and hope for so long now, that I think my belief well just dried up. Don't get me wrong. I haven't suddenly gone atheist or agnostic. I know that God exists, and I'm sure He has some grand scheme planned out for the world. I am just having a very hard time believing that he is going to take care of me and my family. I kind of feel like Bruce from Bruce Almighty when he compared God to a mean kid with a magnifying glass, and himself as the burning ant. I don't really feel like God is out to get me in that way. To me it feels more like I'm a goldfish God stuck in a fish tank and has forgotten about. Here I am swimming in circles trying my best to survive, but no one is putting food in the tank or changing the filter. I'm a fish! I can't very well change my own filter and jump out of the tank to get my own fish flakes! I think I'm starting to go belly up! I hate that I feel this way, because my faith has always been such a big part of who I am. We had a candle light service at church the other night. It was beautiful, but my heart wasn't in it. I felt like a fraud sitting there with my family... Singing Christmas songs and having The Lord's Supper. I started to sit out The Lord's Supper, because I don't feel like I am in the right place right now, but my grandfather is a deacon in the church and I just couldn't deal with an interrogation on top of how I am already feeling. I want desperately to believe that God will take care of us. I feel so hopeless without that faith that has always kept me strong. I am just so tired of having to fight tooth and nail for everything. I AM SO TIRED... and for the first time since I was five years old... I feel like God doesn't care about me or hear me when I pray. We tried to go look at Christmas lights to cheer me up. Didn't work. Hardly anyone put up lights this year. Its like Scrooge got loose and had a field day! The kids made out like bandits this year, and I am thankful my family was able to afford to give the kids the kind of Christmas they deserve. We couldn't. I want to live in the pajamas my mom got for me forever! If life has to be so hard I should at least get to wear comfortable clothes! (I think Hugh Heffner only gets away with it because he is rich though.) Well, I am going to try to go to sleep now. Merry Christmas again. I wish you all the hope, joy and faith that Christmas used to bring to my heart.