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Monday, February 26, 2007

What is this blog for?

(as defined in Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary)
to expose to the air; to serve as a vent for; to give often vigorous or emotional expression to; to relieve by means of a vent; an opening for the escape of or for the release of pressure
(see also: discharge, expell, express, outlet)

Saturday, February 24, 2007

To My Daddy...

You are not allowed to leave us.
You are supposed to teach Auron how to scratch himself and spit without drooling down his chin.
You said you would.
You are the only one who can teach him to take stuff apart and put it back together with duct tape
and that you should always have leftover parts when you are done.
You are supposed to be here to teach him how to play softball
and how to swing without pulling a groin muscle in the process.
You are supposed to be here to see Auron graduate
and see all the things that he and your unborn grandchild are going to do to make you proud.
All of the things that they will accomplish that I never did.
It is your job to wipe their noses with your shirttail when they fall and scrape their knees.
You are supposed to be there.
Who is going to cut up their eggs the "right" way?
You are not allowed to leave us.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

God, Faith, etc...

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OK... Let me start this post by saying that the following is simply my own personal views and beliefs and is in no way an attempt to belittle anyone else for their personal views or beliefs. I do not like conflict and SO do not want any extra strife in my life right now, so if you plan to leave a comment criticising me, do not expect me to even acknowledge it.

Ahhhhhhh… It is THAT time again. Once every few years I find myself compelled to explain (again) how I believe about certain aspects of “Faith vs. Religion”. So, here we go again:

I believe that the amount of faith a person has in God has absolutely no correlation to the number of comities they are involved in, the number of bake sales they organize each year, or the amount of time they spend inside the church building. Sadly, quite a lot of those (not all) who feel the impulse to add more and more public displays of their “faith” or “devotion” to their relationship with God, are those who have the least real faith and devotion.

I believe that God has absolute power to heal people and move mountains and call the seas to rise up and eat the continents. I DO NOT believe that he will do any of the above because someone who thinks they have the ultimate championship belt of faith tells him to. I kind of like to think that he giggles every time someone yells towards the heavens their own personal version of “BE HEALED”. I believe he can (and does) heal people everyday. I DO NOT believe that a large group of people jumping pews, speaking gibberish, and generally acting like a bunch of drunk monkeys is going to sway God one way or the other. (God is just as likely to heal the people who quietly come to Him from the privacy of their own bedroom.) I believe that God’s will is absolute, purposeful, unchanging, and often confounding. I know that His will serves a greater purpose than I could ever possibly understand in this lifetime. Sometimes that is a comforting thought; sometimes it irritates the crap out of me to be left in the dark.

I believe that a person’s relationship with God is a very personal and private matter. I believe it is not my place to judge how or why someone else believes the things they do or the manner in which those beliefs are acted upon. I believe that expressing my feelings openly and honestly is the way that God built me to function and work through my inner turmoil. I DO NOT believe God created everyone to work or even to believe in the exact same way.

Here is the one that throws people for a loop…

I believe that God created my daughter, as she is to serve His greater purpose. That means I believe that God made my beautiful little girl to be both physically and mentally disabled. I believe that if it were God’s will to heal my daughter in the most dramatic and complete way, that He has the power to do so. (I am also willing to accept that healing my daughter is not God’s will.) I DO NOT believe that those who have the most or the strongest faith will be spared from all the turmoil of life. I DO NOT believe that God will make life all peaches and cream for someone just because they want it that way.

I believe that truly evil people all over the world prosper while inherently good people in all the same places suffer and die horrible deaths. This does not happen because they are getting what they deserve or because they do not have enough faith to change their situation. It happens because life is not fair. If life was fair…

There would be no need for faith.


Tuesday, February 20, 2007


It amazes me to look down and see SO MUCH tummy resulting from a baby that is only about the size of a lemon at this point.

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Monday, February 19, 2007

What is OK?

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"Are you OK?"
Hmmmmm... Well, that depends.
If you are asking if I am still breathing, then yes, I'm OK. If you are asking if things could get worse, yes they could (at the rate things are going around here, call me in a week and they will be).
If you are asking to simply be socially polite than I will be as socially polite in return as I can manage right now. I will pile more plaster across my quickly disintegrating facade and give you my best movie star smile and deliver my best "since I know you don't really care" line:
"I have a roof over my head and food to fill my children's tummies. Everything happens for a reason (insert fake smile here) and I just know that things will be alright in the end."
But... If you are asking on the off chance that you actually give a crap...
This is what I would say if the mask fell off and you could see me falling apart behind it:
No. I'm not OK. What does OK mean anyway?! I am beyond worried that the baby I am carrying will be born with serious birth defects because of the medications I was on when we quite unexpectedly conceived. I know that giving birth to another child that is something other than perfectly healthy would very likely send me over the edge. (and that's not just figuratively speaking) I could see myself in a fit of postpartum depression flinging myself from the top level of the parking structure as a way to punish my body for being inadequate to produce healthy babies. No, I am not suicidal. I am simply stating what could put me over the edge of reason.
No. I'm not OK. My Grandmother's heart rate keeps dropping to near nonexistent for no apparent reason and no one has the slightest idea what to do about it. My Grandfather is an emotional wreck trying to take care of her and I honestly do not think he would survive loosing her. My Grandmother is upset that she is not healthy enough to be there as a support for my parents and I while we are going through our own trials and she is devastated that most of the family that lives out of town either doesn't get how bad off she is or they don't want to acknowledge it. (almost as if pretending its not real will make it go away)
No. I'm not OK. I am not ready to deal with the idea that I might loose my Daddy. I am not OK with the thought that he might not see his grandson graduate high school. I do not know how my Mom would function both emotionally and financially if she lost the person who has been her partner and best friend for over thirty years. I am angry that just when we thought the hard part was behind us, the doctors add one more thing to the list of reasons my perfectly healthy Dad is now fighting for his life.
No. I'm not OK.
I'm angry and terrified and overwhelmed.
and I don't know what else to tell you...
So once again I will fake it.
and smile
and tell you
"sure, I'm OK."


Thursday, February 08, 2007

My Pregnancy Theme Song...

This is a GREAT song by a band called Reliant K. I guess this is a warning to the world about what I can be like when I'm pregnant... :) Hormones! :)

we all know the girls that i am talking about
well they are time bombs and they are ticking
and the only question's when they'll blow up
and they'll blow up; we know that without a doubt
cause they're those girls, yeah you know those girls
that let their emotions get the best of them
and i've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man
let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
so we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
cause we'll know just what they're thinking
just what they're thinking...
she's so pretty but she but doesn't always act that way
her mood's out swinging on the swing set almost every day
she said to me that she's so happy it's depressing
and all i said was "someone get that girl a mood ring"
if it's drama you want then look no further
they're like the real world
meets boy meets world
meets days of our lives
and it just kills me how they get away with murder
they'll anger you then bat their eyes;
those pretty eyes that watch you sympathize
and i've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man
let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
so we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
cause we'll know just what they're thinking
just what they're thinking...
she's so pretty but she but doesn't always act that way
her mood's out swinging on the swing set almost every day
she said to me that she's so stressed out that it's soothing
and all i said was "someone get that girl a mood ring"
cause when it's black (it) means watch your back
because you're probably the last person in the world
right now she wants to see
and when it's blue it means that you should call her up immediately
and ask her out because she'll most likely agree
and when it's green it simply means that she is really stressed
and when it's clear it means she's completely emotionless
(and that's all right i must confess)
we all know the girls that i am talking about
she liked you wednesday but now it's friday
and she has to wash her hair
and it just figures that we'll never figure them out
first she's jekyll and then she's hyde....
at least she makes a lovely pair
mood ring oh mood ring
oh tell me will you bring
the key to unlock this mystery
of girls and their emotions
play it back in slow motion
so i may understand the complex infrastructure
known as the female mind
[speaking:]heh...that's terrible

Personal Creations

Saturday, February 03, 2007

People to FLOG...

Just an ever growing list I thought I would share. Some have slight explanations beside them and some of them don't require them.

1) Dr. "H"(name deleted per my Dad's request) - The guy who ignored my Dad's very obvious symptoms for eight years while the Cancer grew and hit stage three. He deserves to be publicly flogged and have all of his protruding body parts removed with a dull plastic spoon.

2) "Fair-weather" friends - You all know the type. They call you every time they have some minor crisis and expect you to be there for them, but the second you need the slightest hint of emotional support for a MAJOR crisis in your own life, they fall off the face of the planet.

3) The "Mutha-in-law" (and her live in whatever he is) - For being emotionally and verbally abusive to my nephews and lying to them to make them believe no one cares about them. They refuse to let us have contact with our nephews and do not care how much they psychologically screw the boys up! They basically do not give a crap about anyone or anything that will not directly benefit them.

4) People who have too many items in the grocery store express lane - and anyone else who thinks that the rules of the "common" people do not apply to them.

5) "Fair-weather" relatives - see the explanation for #2, only worse because they are related and SHOULD be there when your world falls apart brick by brick!

6) Ex-husband - no real explanation needed here... I mean... he IS an EX for a reason. :)

7) People who drive too slow in the fast lane - move over or get off the road already!!!

8) Those who complain about how BAD their day has been because they broke a nail or for some other STUPID and frivolous reason. (I WISH I had your problems you stupid shallow twit!)

9) This list grows and changes daily, so who knows who might be added next?!

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